Klein writes worst column of his career

The premise. The writing. The flow. The coherence. All of this John Klein column is staggeringly terrible.

First, the premise. Klein says the Oklahoma State can’t overlook Texas. In what universe would a coach and team and program who have lost 12 straight to another program ever in God’s merciful name overlook an opponent like Texas. The notion isn’t even speakable. This all despite that fact that the Cowboys are favored by a touchdown ON THE ROAD against Texas. This is the very definition of a non-story. Did that even come up at Gundy’s news conference? That the Pokes would OVERLOOK Texas? Holy shit, this guy is terrible.

And the writing is bad, even for a knuckle-dragger like Klein. He basically uses the same Gundy quote twice in two parts of the story.

First quote: “They are still very athletic.”
Second quote … further down in the story: “They still have talent.”

Are those quotes so different that Klein would have to use each one?

Then the lack of flow and coherence are Klein staples. WHO does this man have dirt on? Why is he allowed to write the Big 12 Insider? I get less information because I doubt everything he says! Then he’s trying to stoke rumors that Todd Graham is heading to Boulder? God, what a dumbass.

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Vegas hates OSU, Farting Cat likes the Cowboys plus 5.5

Unlike the 2009 season, Vegas is consistently picking against Oklahoma State and/or giving them low point spreads. And aside from the Troy game, the Cowboys have raped their picks

Washington State – 17pt favorite (COVERED)
Troy – 14pt favorite (WEEDEN NEARLY FUMBLED GAME AWAY – NO COVER)
Tulsa – 7pt favorite (COVERED LIKE ME ON YOUR MOM)
Texas A&M – 3pt favorite (PUSH – AGAIN, LIKE ME ON YOUR MOM)
Louisiana-Lafayette – 22pt favorite (COVERED)
Texas Tech – 3 1/2 pt underdog (BEAT THE SPREAD)

Now OSU is a 5.5-6 point underdog to Nebraska at home. Am I wrong in wanting to wager my savings ($178) on the Pokes in this one? What am I missing? Who has Nebraska beaten? If their jerseys said IOWA STATE on the front and not Nebraska – with everything being the same – Oklahoma State would be a 3 point favorite. For whatever reason, the name “Nebraska” still holds a lot of weight. Much like John Klein.

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Klein: Anything can happen. Or anything could not. Where’s my Furrs gift card?

Tulsa World scribe John Klein continues his drive by coverage of Oklahoma sports by opining on the Tulsa Shock. Klein has spent the last week giving uninformed, generic opinions on each state football team. Just dropping by like your grandpa going through your bedroom. “Get rid of that poster. It’s filth. And it stinks in here.” (pulls pants higher just below his tits) “Eat your vegetables.” Then goes into the den and takes a nap and you don’t hear from him again in weeks.

Now he goes all Bob Woodward and, after chatting with Deep Throat (Sherri Coale), unveils the problems that plagued the Shock’s inaugural season.

Here’s John Klein’s take on the Tulsa Shock and the prospects for a bright future: They need more talent.

Then he drops this in the middle of the column.

The Shock hopes to use the offseason to raise this franchise from the bottom of the league to the top. (ed note: what else would they do in the offseason)

Impossible? Probably not. Likely? Well, that could be debated. (ed note: by who? Andy Rooney?)

The Shock recently completed its first season in Tulsa. (ed note: breaking news!)

I didn’t even bother to read this column. But enough people think Klein’s writing sucks that it was emailed to me. Felt good, like Tom Hanks on “Castaway” when he discovered Nelson.

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Klein: Cowboys have lost talent from 2009. And they haven’t.

Tulsa World senior columnist (having earned that title because he presumably writes for confused senior citizens) henpecked a column on his antique Hermes typewriter about the 2010 Oklahoma State football team.

Klein opens his column saying that the “primary reason for doom and gloom” regarding OSU’s chances this year revolve around the presumed lack of talent relative to the 2009 squad. Then he spends the first half of his column saying that, well, most of that “talent” associated with Dez Bryant and Kendall Hunter didn’t play much last season. Okay, valid point, I guess.

Then he took a nap and finished his column and completely contradicted himself.

“If O-State drops off this season, after two straight nine-victory seasons, then it may have more to do with level of talent than experience.”

Wha…you just spent the first half saying talent wasn’t the issue. And now it is?

SERIOUSLY!!! Who owes money to this guy? Or which Lorton did Klein catch in a fishnet unitard at Club Majestic? That’s the only way he’d be employable. We are all dumber for having read this column.

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The Lettuce never rests … but I do

The dress code at Gundy's Lettuce HQ is pretty lax.

Since I last posted:
-John Klein said UNLV and New Mexico would be worthy additions to the Big 12.
-New episodes of “Everyone Hates Willie Warren” have been in heavy rotation.
-OU baseball coach Sunny Golloway celebrated Father’s Day with a win in the College World Series despite the fact his daughter showed her cooch in “Playboy.”

Then in today’s Tulsa World, John Klein attempt to write about USA’s win in the World Cup and interviews a guy who played on Tulsa’s professional hockey team in the 1980s to localize the victory. Klein’s incompetence is getting depressing. When he submits his columns you know the sports desk (I hope) just exhales, kneads their collective temples and then gently stabs themselves in the thigh with a sewing needle to punish themselves for publishing such crap. That’s why self-mutilators do.

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Klein sucks, changes mind on Pac-16, pretends he doesn’t, others think he sucks, too

After saying in a June 11 column that the Pac-16 is the best option for Oklahoma and Oklahoma State, Tulsa World columnist now says the Big 12 is really the best option.

Granted, Klein wasn’t a huge cheerleader for the Pac-10 expansion. Mostly because he’d have to stay up late and watch West Coast games and, dammit all, if his back pill doesn’t take hold at 9pm and he needs to get to bed.

Now he says the Big 12 makes the most sense.

Hallelujah. This may not be a perfect solution, and it appears Texas got exactly what it wanted in this revamped Big 12: double the television revenue with the opportunity to form its own television sports network.

But, what was best for Oklahoma and Oklahoma State was to stay in a league with their neighbors.

(Ed note: Seriously, Tulsa World! The comma after the ‘but’ does not belong there! A fifth grade English student knows that. (*adjust glasses on bridge of nose*snorts*) )

Then Klein ends his column this way:

The Big 12 has survived, although somewhat shakily, since 1996. It may not survive another 14 years.

But, for now, everyone is doing what is right. Thank you.

What? Is this the epilogue to an episode of “Walker Texas Ranger”? Who is he thanking?

Just so you know I’m not shouting into the wind, I got this email from my one reader in reference to Klein’s column about Tulsa and the old WAC.

Pointless scribblings from a blathering pie hole.

To keep my temples from throbbing, I have to believe that Klein is like the guy in “Office Space” who really got fired but has somehow, thanks to an accounting glitch, received a paycheck for years.

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Would the Thunder have made playoffs, challenged Lakers if in Seattle?

After watching the OKC Thunder come within a Pau Gasol putback of forcing a Game 7 against the NBA champs, I wondered: if the team hadn’t moved from Seattle to Oklahoma City, would they have had this success? Is it the players and coaches who created the 27-win turnaround and a more-than-respectable playoff showing? Or did the new ownership, fans and atmosphere have something to do with it?

My opinion is there is no WAY the Thunder would have fared this well if they were still the Seattle Supersonics. Kevin Durant would have been a great player. But he wouldn’t have finished second in the NBA MVP voting. Russell Westbrook would have been a serviceable point guard. But we wouldn’t have blossomed the way he did if he was playing in front of 5,000 apathetic computer nerds in Key Arena every night.

Clay Bennet, Mick Cornett and the whole city (state?) have willed this team to be good. The support from the fans, ownership, media, etc have helped create a positive attitude around the franchise and that excitement transfers to wins. Of course, I have no scientific data to back this up. I just like having a favorite NBA team and the fact that most Thunder players aren’t riddled with tattoos.

But I can’t imagine the Thunder being the most exciting team in the NBA (for at least a week) if the franchise was still in Seattle.

By the way, I have on good authority that John Klein has never been to a Thunder game and still writes columns about the team. So that makes his and my creditials pretty much the same. Except I don’t lift AP quotes from stories and if I do, I attribute them to the source. Alright, back to delivering those pizzas. My ’03 Ford Focus reeks of anchovies.

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John Klein compares OKC Thunder popularity to … what?

I can appreciate John Klein’s newfound enthusiasm for the NBA. But to compare the rise of a Tulsa following for the Thunder to a 1970s minor league soccer team is more than I can take.

Much like the Tulsa Roughnecks, who came along when minor league baseball was suffering through an attendance recession in Tulsa during the late 1970s, the Thunder had perfect timing.

The Roughnecks benefited from a lack of competition during their spring/summer schedule. Minor league attendance was down in both Tulsa and Oklahoma City at the same time that youth soccer was flourishing throughout the state. It was perfect timing for the Roughnecks.

HOOOOOWWWWW does this man still have a job? Who is he blackmailing? Who is he screwing? (Mrs. Lorton, perhaps?)

The Tulsa Roughnecks, a soccer team in the 1970s, are absolutely NOTHING like the Thunder. Does he have some Roughneck gear in his garage he’s trying to sell?

And then Klein quotes Phil Jackson in his column. I will eat a cigarette ash sandwich off Klein’s hemorrhoid pillow if he actually interviewed Phil Jackson. Put this guy out to pasture on the WNBA beat. He’s embarrassing the newspaper.

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“We’ve got company” joins “I’m a man, I’m 40” in Gundy’s Lettuce lexicon

This is a hilarious mash-up of the laziest screenwriter fall-back line in an action movie: “We’ve got company!”

Since John Klein loves overwrought cliches and lazy writing, he could probably pleasure himself to his clip. The venerable scribe went out on a limb this week and theorized that, since the Tulsa Drillers have a brand-new, sparkling, state-of-the-art ballpark, that might actually INCREASE attendance in 2010.

In other news, Howdy Doody’s testicles are, in fact, wooden. Also, Brett Farve is a gunslinger, Bob Stoops is truculant with the media and Mike Gundy has awesome hair.

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Self-esteem at all-time low, Klein beat my bracket, still sucks

So I scored a 98 in Tulsa World bracket challenge. And John Klein earned a 106. Neither of us have one team in the Final Four. If you see someone on top of the Philtower today when it stops raining, it could be yours truly.

But Klein’s writing still sucks. And he’s slated to finish last of all the Tulsa World pickers. So that makes me feel a little better.

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