John Klein compares OKC Thunder popularity to … what?

I can appreciate John Klein’s newfound enthusiasm for the NBA. But to compare the rise of a Tulsa following for the Thunder to a 1970s minor league soccer team is more than I can take.

Much like the Tulsa Roughnecks, who came along when minor league baseball was suffering through an attendance recession in Tulsa during the late 1970s, the Thunder had perfect timing.

The Roughnecks benefited from a lack of competition during their spring/summer schedule. Minor league attendance was down in both Tulsa and Oklahoma City at the same time that youth soccer was flourishing throughout the state. It was perfect timing for the Roughnecks.

HOOOOOWWWWW does this man still have a job? Who is he blackmailing? Who is he screwing? (Mrs. Lorton, perhaps?)

The Tulsa Roughnecks, a soccer team in the 1970s, are absolutely NOTHING like the Thunder. Does he have some Roughneck gear in his garage he’s trying to sell?

And then Klein quotes Phil Jackson in his column. I will eat a cigarette ash sandwich off Klein’s hemorrhoid pillow if he actually interviewed Phil Jackson. Put this guy out to pasture on the WNBA beat. He’s embarrassing the newspaper.

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The Punisher still looking for an NFL team

If I was an NFL general manager, I’d definitely extend a free agent contract to Lucien Antoine. If anything, can you imagine The Punisher on kickoff coverage? With his complete disregard for his body (if he’s not in a tux, mind you)

People are calling Perrish Cox to the Denver Broncos in the 5th round the steal of the draft. Perrish, watch who you run with in Denver. We’d hate to see another Darrent Williams situation. Of course, that’s a reach that something like that would happen AGAIN to another OSU player in Denver. But the deja vu of it is eerie.

Kind of like this time I went into the bank on a hot summer day. And the insanely hot teller, who was just making polite conversation, said “Is it hot out there?”

And me, like a dope, said with confidence, “Yeah, but I’m not sweating though.”

She gave me a puzzled look and processed my transaction. Every time I drive by that bank I think of that moment. And the deja vu of it is eerie.

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Dez Bryant’s mom is not a hooker … in case you were wondering

I remember my job interview. I got questions like “What are you strengths and weaknesses?” and “What would you bring to the position” and “Is your mom a hooker”?

Dez Bryant has made some poor choices the last 12 months. But he didn’t deserve to be asked whether his mom blows dudes for money. Miami general manager Jeff Ireland apologized for asking Bryant in pre-draft interviews if his mother was a prosititue. Dez was rightfully pissed.

Mike Gundy would never ask such a question to a recruit. Do you like Walker Texas Ranger? Maybe. Do you know a good gel guy? Absolutely. But he wouldn’t ask if your mom gargles scrotums for lunch money.

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Dez Bryant headed to Dallas, application to Mensa is pending

Congratulations to Dez Bryant and good luck. He’ll be a nice fit in Dallas, especially since his posse won’t have to bleed him for cash to buy plane tickets to home games. Dez Bryant became one of the most captivating and discussed players in the 2010 NFL Draft because of his amazing possibilities to be and Hall of Famer or a complete bust.

Of everything I’ve read though – from his mom being a lesbian to him forgetting his shoes for his pro day – this was the most intriguing. Milwaukee Journal-Sentinel writer Bob McGinn included this bonnest of mots in a column about Bryant last week.

Oklahoma State accepted Bryant because his third and final attempt at the ACT met the NCAA qualifying standard. Although he did score 16 on the Wonderlic intelligence test (Moss had 12), teams have good reason to wonder if he can handle an NFL offense.

“They could only play him at one position there,” one scout said. “They lined him up on the side closest to the bench so they could talk to him. If he gets with a real sophisticated offense, he’s going to have problems.”

Mike Gundy had Bryant line up on OSU’s sideline so they could talk to him? I’d have to go to the tape. I can’t guarantee this but it would seem that Bryant would have lined up on the visitors side on occassion. Maybe only for running plays? Wow.

Perhaps Bryant couldn’t understand the happy faces on Gundy’s play calling sheet. Or maybe he was progressive in realizing how retarded they were.

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Thunder win, despite the spell Creepy Cowboy attempts to cast on Durant

I flip over from watching Mel Kiper sulk about Jimmy Clausen and Chris Berman stumble through ad-libs like he was on his fifth scotch and saw the Thunder were down 10-0 to the Lakers. But the Thunder are an easy team to root for (fewest tats in the league?) and was glad to see them steal a game at home.

Because I have a job (those flower bouquets won’t deliver themselves) I had to hit the sack at halftime. Just after seeing this weirdo staring down Kevin Durant at courtside during shoot around. How does this guy land courtside seats at the Ford Center? I’ve read about him on Deadspin, being a fixture at other NBA arenas. But how this guy made it through downtown OKC without a few ‘necks hurling full cans of Natty Light at his head, I’ll never know.

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This is so last week … but encouraged after the spring game. We won!

OSU won its spring game against itself. So its 1-0 in 2010. Brandon Weeden didn’t break a hip, Kendall Hunter didn’t scrape his knee and need the rest of the month off and Mike Gundy seems to be letting go off his retarded clipboard and 2002 offense that was zone-read option or bust.

OSU fans who grew up with the I-Formation under Pat Jones, then floundered during the Tony Jones era (considered to be OSU’s Football’s Vietnam), might take some time to get used to an offense with no tight end that throws the ball 80 times per game. But I for one am excited. Why not hire the Breakfast Club janitor and change things up? The status quo hasn’t worked in Stillwater for years. Miight as well implement a change. Granted, the offense isn’t exactly innovative since Mike Leach has been raping secondaries with it for 10 years. But its new to Stillwater! Kind of like the Internet and fire. After all, Gundy is just now getting used to text messaging recruits and non-stick gel. You can’t expect him to hire Kevin Kelley and never punt the ball.

But maybe he should have. Just like the stoner at the Kinko’s in “Jerry Maguire said, “That’s the way you become great, man. Put your balls out there.”

(Off topic: Weeden looks what I imagined Bugs Meany to look like, the villian in the Encyclopedia Brown books I read in the 1980s that made me think I could solve crimes in my own neighborhood.)

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Breaking Buzz: Dez’s mom lika tha ladies

It’s amazing the stuff NFL executives and scouts figure out during the interviews with potential draftees. Like, oh I don’t know, Dez Bryant’s mom is a lesbian. Weird. I guess she gave up on men. Tell me about it honey. We don’t pick up our socks, we leave the cap off the tooth paste! And they complain about your periods? More like an exclamation mark!

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“We’ve got company” joins “I’m a man, I’m 40″ in Gundy’s Lettuce lexicon

This is a hilarious mash-up of the laziest screenwriter fall-back line in an action movie: “We’ve got company!”

Since John Klein loves overwrought cliches and lazy writing, he could probably pleasure himself to his clip. The venerable scribe went out on a limb this week and theorized that, since the Tulsa Drillers have a brand-new, sparkling, state-of-the-art ballpark, that might actually INCREASE attendance in 2010.

In other news, Howdy Doody’s testicles are, in fact, wooden. Also, Brett Farve is a gunslinger, Bob Stoops is truculant with the media and Mike Gundy has awesome hair.

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Scoops Callahan excited about Mickelson’s Masters win

Question: Is The Masters plural or singular? The Masters is being treated as singular. As in, “The Masters is a great tournament.” I heard a reporter refer to it recently in the plural as in, “The Masters ARE a great tournament.”

Regardless, Phil Mickelson surely wishes Scoops Callahan did his Green Room interview instead of CBS’ Jim Nantz … who appears to have a coat hanger permentantly stuck in his CBS blazer these days. How about that final call, “I win for the family!” How Nantz doesn’t have a series of inspiring children’s book, I’ll never know.

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Douche Cat excited about new Drillers Stadium

You know Douche Cat will be sneaking Red Bull and Voddies to Club Thirsty Thursday at the new downtown ballpark. What up ladies? Gym, tan, wash and party!

Douche Cat mentioned he isn’t too familiar with the 2010 Drillers. Douche Cat remembers 2006 when Troy Tulowitski, Ubaldo Jiminez, Ian Stewart, Chris Ianneta and Manny Corpas were rocking Driller gear. All while their insanely hot girlfriends chatted and didn’t watch the game right behind home plate. Good times.

Douche Cat is ready to peel out in his leased Hummer, park diagonal in the Greenwood District, slap the elderly ticket-taker on the ass and be insanely loud for one inning before losing interest and spending the next eight innings (is it over yet?) on his Blackberry texting, twittering and facebooking.

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