Dez Bryant honors Shoeless Joe Jackson, forgets cleats for workout

Dez Bryant made half of the NFL scouting world breath in toxic methane in Lufkin, Texas and couldn’t remember to bring his shoes the workout.

Dez is merging into Adarius Bowman Boulevard and has his turn signal set for Canada. Sure, Dez will get drafted and won’t implode like Bowman did before the draft. But he’s literally losing millions of dollars by small things like forgetting his shoes.

(However, this guy says he brought eight pairs of shoes)

If he can’t remember his shoes, how can he remember an encyclopedia of an NFL playbook?

Then he supposedly showed up to his workout with a 10-man entourage. This almost always never works out for the host (Bryant) like it does the parasites (his boys). For other examples, see: Iverson, Allen or Hammer, M.C.

With all things being equal, the NFL will draft on character. Perhaps, to avoid a Pacman Jones situation, they’ll take a lesser talented player that they can count on to show up, pay attention and give 100%. Life isn’t a rap video. I’m not sure what can be gained by showing up with a posse, sporting bling and conveying a “the man is putting me down” and “show me my props” attitude.

His pay day is NOW. The opportunity is now. If you don’t go in the first round, you’ll have to perform for three to four years in the league to get a big contract. Why jeopardize your initial signing bonus and contract to keep it real? Just pretend you’re falling in line until draft day … then make it rain and start banging shorties.

After Dez Bryant’s punt return for a score against OU in the 2008 Bedlam game, I’ve never been more attracted to a grown man. That affection has steadily ebbed to apathy … then anger … then disappointment … now, I kind of feel sorry for him. He’s either extremely arrogant or a complete dumbass.

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Urban Meyer tries to be Gundy, pulls out ‘son’ card, doesn’t say ‘garbage’ multiple times

Florida head coach Urban Meyer has a lot to learn about chewing a beat reporter. You raise your voice. You call the reporter, the editor and a whole media outlet garbage. And you reference your age in hilarious fashion.

As much as football coaches love to hate the media, the media is the reason Urban Meyer has a shitload of zeros in his bank account. No media? No games on television. No stories in the paper. No highlights on ESPN. No TV contracts. No shoe deals.

If there wasn’t a ravenous media following programs like Florida, Urban Meyer and his Gators would be playing in front of 500 fans each Saturday … most of which are parents, friends and bored international students.

The player who said he was looking forward to playing with a ‘real quarterback’ is a big boy. If this is the worst thing that happens in his life, I want his life. Coaches can’t reap the benefits of a rabid fan base that is stoked by the media … and then lambast the media when it strays from the company line. Just like Jack Nicholson said in A Few Good Men … “You enjoy the banner of freedom that I provide and then question the manner in which I provide it.” Or something.

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Forget food stamps when you have mom’s rack

Having recently fathered a child, I found this story fascinating and troubling and sickening and perhaps wise.

Without judging, I’d presume that if you can speak intelligently about breastfeeding and its benefits and can master long division, you shouldn’t be suckling at your mom’s teet. But that’s my narrow-minded Americanness coming out.

After all, these people are British and, for some reason, when British people say anything it sounds smarter.

Courtesy Barstool Sports

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After a hiatus, Gundy in the 1980s

I’m sure all four of my readers have missed my poorly researched, hastily written thought droppings on Mike Gundy’s hair and other hot messes.

That being said, a reader scoured the web and found this picture of Mike Gundy, kicking back after an afternoon of MWC neighborhood football.

If Gundy could open 2010 with a ‘do like this, the Pokes are BCS-bound. While Gundy has stuck with the porcupine spike, we’ve seen several hair evolutions of the last few decades:
-The Clooney/Caesar cut
-The mullet
-‘Bama bangs
-The ironic mullet
-The “Rachael” from Friends
-The post-ironic mullet

That being said, this could come back in 2010. Only if Gundy leads the way.

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Things that are awesome and suck about the NCAA Tournament

Awesome:
-Hearing Gus Johnson pass a kidney stone during a last second shot.
-NCAA Tournament brackets with $$ at stake.
-No more Billy Packer
-The cozy, Cardigan-ed voice of Jim Nantz
-Being introduced to names like Kevin Pittsnogle.
-OU is not in the tournament
-Less tattoos than the NBA.
-Potential Mike Gundy crowd shots from the regional in Oklahoma City and seeing his kids that has the exact same haircut, a brood of veritable Sonic Hedgehogs.

Sucks:
-The term ‘bracketology’ and the tools who use it.
-The guy who tells everyone about his 12 over a 5 upset
-The word “differential,” i.e. When broadcasters say “There is an XX second differential from the game clock and the shot clock.” In no other setting in the world is that word used for that purpose.
-Brenda in accounts receiveable – or a variation of that character – always wins the pool.

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Herb Pope: NIT stands for ‘Nock In Testicles

Yet another reason to hate the Big East.

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Only goal for March Madness is to beat John Klein

I finish pretty respectably in the local bracket pool. I finished third one year out of 100 or so participants. I’m never at the bottom. But never the guy with all of his Sweet 16 picks.

That being said my only goal is to beat John Klein this year. His picks are fairly generic. But I know there is zero thought behind them … much like his columns.

Today in the Tulsa World he let his balls hang out there and predicted there might be some upsets. Uh … wow … thanks for the insight.

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Reporter flips out before story runs, very un-Burt Mummulo-like

Aside from animals doing human things (poodles driving cars, felines wearing business suits, squirrels on skis, etc), my favorite stuff is local news gaffes.

This guy tries to fake it through his intro before throwing a mild tantrum. The look on the anchor’s face is priceless.

Plus, I love the crutch that local news always falls back on: the “technical difficulty.” This dude pooping his pants on live TV and spiking his notepad isn’t a technical difficulty. Hilarious. But not a technical difficulty.

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I should probably save this for the summer, but Spring Practice is starting

Check. Out. The. Lettuce.

The early days. Kind of like seeing Michael Jordon take a jumpshot in Chapel Hill. Looks nice. Nothing TOO special. But it’s more interesting … knowing the greatness to come.

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Tulsa Shock signs Marion Jones; Thunder eyes Edwin Moses

The Tulsa Shock shocked the WNBA world (which consists of three Indigo Girl fans and a gym teacher) by signing former Olympian Marion Jones. Nolan Richardson said, “I’ve never coached women’s basketball. And she’s 34 and hasn’t played since college. All of this (makes hourglass motion with hands) makes perfect sense.”

If anything, this will stir SOME interest in the WNBA in Tulsa. And … (exhales*picks nose*farts*) … I’ve gone back to not caring.

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